a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
5 ways to appear taller
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”