Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
this is so top tier i cant
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days