Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
