How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.