I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.