crochet youtube is brutal
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds