1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex