While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.