Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit