The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak