[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”