[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks