wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.