“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda