In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge