The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier