Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)