Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Last-minute gift idea!
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!