[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty