The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”