HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”