It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.