When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.