Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.