sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
*jingles half the way*
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.