And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies