[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Don’t we all.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon