Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES