Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.