i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]