It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Usage Guidelines
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.