My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.