A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?