Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.