8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*