Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined