I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance