God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.