inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”