me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left