SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.