COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice