NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.