Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.