Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany