Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Breaking news:
Breaking news:
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.