Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that