My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Happy Thanksgiving
