If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.