They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean